Hurt people don’t HAVE to hurt people.

So, somewhat recently, I went through a particularly horrific breakup. To be honest, this post is less about the breakup and more about me dealing with the backlash of it. Rumors were flying, my name and reputation were dragged through the mud, my side wasn’t being told because I figured it didn’t matter anyway. All me saying my side would do is give people more to talk about. Anyone who knows me knows that not many things get to me but damn. That was probably the worst week of my life. I go to an incredibly small private university and so everywhere I went, I ran into people who followed him on Twitter and I constantly felt like they were looking for signs of truth to what he or others had said about me. I wanted to disappear, I wanted him to disappear, I wanted people to stop sending me screenshots of what he was saying, I wanted people to stop asking me if I was okay. Of course I wasn’t okay. Who would be? I thought I deserved it. I figured I just had to sit there and take it. Not because I was as bad as he made me out to be, but because I wasn’t as good as I should’ve been. I tried to convince myself that I should’ve stayed in a relationship that I was unhappy in because it was the right thing to do. 

That lasted for about a week.

I’m a logical person. Logically, it didn’t make sense to dwell over how people saw me. People will form their own judgments regardless. I could be bitter and petty, telling people how not shit my ex is. I could air out every wrong thing he’s ever done, shed light on all his shortcomings, and ruin his character the way he did mine. It’d be the understandable thing to do. 

After much consideration, I realized I, as angry as I was, would never want him to feel the way I felt. As someone who struggles with depression and was now setback because of this situation, i realized the only thing I could do was move forward.

Anyway.

It’s been about 3 weeks? And I’m happy. Genuinely. 

That’s all I ever wanted to be and the fact that it took something as dramatic as all that to make it happen is hilariously ridiculous but I’m grateful for it. Most importantly I’m over it. 🙂

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Me First.

 

Last year, I passed out and was hospitalized due to chronic exhaustion and depression (I’m super okay now tho so don’t worry lol). Not a lot of people know that but now you guys do so don’t be weird about it. What it really boiled down to was me putting literally everything and everyone ahead of me. I took care of everyone and never looked after myself.

I think a lot of us have problems with not caring about ourselves first. We’re constantly pouring ourselves into deep reservoir type people and at some point we become empty, they’re half full, and still no one is as happy as they want to be.

Recently I’ve been learning to take care of myself first. Try it. To those who don’t  care about you, this suggestion is going to sound selfish. Everyone says they want the best for you until what’s best for you isn’t what’s best for them.

I think that’s when I realized I didn’t have many friends. I found myself having to always suck it up and be there for everyone else and it was never my turn. So I took my turn. Many of my “friends” resented me for it; said I changed and I shouldn’t be selfish (lol..me?  selfish?) That’s fine. I’ll be that.

In making others happy, don’t forget you deserve to be happy too. It’s okay to put you first.

 

i love me, i love me not.

“He could’ve done better.”

Words from the sisters of my significant other that rung like church bells in my ears.

“He could’ve done better.”

And just like that, I went from a confident self-assured 21 year old woman back to a self-loathing teenager who didn’t know what it meant to love herself.

I’ve been dealing with these negative feelings for a few days now, unsure of how to mentally grow up and out of such a funk.

Until today.

It wasn’t that he said that I was beautiful, it was that he said I was beautiful long before he or anyone said I was.

It was in that moment that I realized how my confidence and self-worth often piggy-backed on the words of other people. So long as my twitter fans loved me, I was beautiful. As long as I racked in Instagram likes, I could go on feeling myself. So long as my opinion of myself depended on the validation of other people, I would never be happy.

I’ve spent years saying that I loved myself; how I looked, how I spoke, how I carried myself and now it seems as if I was convincing myself of something I didn’t really believe.

My whole idea of what it means to love myself is shattered, but for the better.

I realize that I will never be able to accept the love I deserve if I don’t 1. love myself first and 2. remind myself that I am worth loving.

Here’s to the man who loves me even when I don’t know how to love myself.

Here’s to me learning to love myself.

May the journey continue for me and for you.

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
 – Buddha

 

BTW: Today’s featured picture was done by me and the model is a good friend of mine 🙂

Self Harm

I’m realizing that old wounds will always hurt if I keep picking at them.

In a biology/chemistry seminar I attended, the speaker said something that really struck home with me. “You can’t break old habits. You can only make new ones to override the old ones.”

That being said, I’m still trying to figure out how to override this habit of reminding myself of the things I’m better off forgetting. I guess you never really forget. You just learn to cope and move on and then somewhere along the way, it doesn’t hurt to remember anymore.

So is it that we can’t help but remember the things that hurt us or is it that we don’t really WANT to forget?

Is it a defense mechanism or a means of self harm?…of self destruction? Am I coping or am I a masochist; constantly reopening wounds the minute they start to heal.

I guess we all kind of like to hurt ourselves, in that sense.

We know the stove is hot but just to be sure it’s as hot as we remember, we touch it again…and again…and again..and again. The stove is always as hot as we remember it. The wound is always as deep as we remember it.

How many times will we, will I, pick at the same thing before it leaves a scar?

Someone close to me said, “I pick my scabs because I don’t want to see them.”

Do we do that? Obviously not just physically. Do we remove the very things keeping the infections and  pain away because we don’t want to see the reminder of what’s happened?

How conducive is it really to the healing process? Isn’t it now much slower, more painful than if we had just let it heal and let it be?

I suppose we, human and flawed, can never just let things be. It’s the pain that tells us we’re alive..that it was real. It’s the scars that remind us why we’ll never do something again, go somewhere again, love someone again.

They say time heals all wounds but no one tells us how to deal with the scars.

Living With Insecurities

Insecurities.

We all have them on some level. Things that make us basically feel some type of way.

Lately my insecurities have been affecting me more so than usual. Like a bad cold that keeps spreading, causing those closest to me to want to keep their distance.

Often times we tend to let our insecurities damage our relationships with other people.

Personally, I’ve always had a mistrust for men. In my life, men have not shown themselves to be particularly faithful so you can imagine how that bitterness has bled into my relationships; poisoning them and killing them before they have a chance to really be something.

You can see how that’d make for a very unhappy lifestyle.

Recently, it hasn’t made sense to live like that anymore. I can’t let my insecurities rule me, make me paranoid and mistrustful of those who have never given me a reason to be. I tend to want to protect myself from pain so I have a habit of of thinking of every possible horrible kind of transgression that could pass against me.

For many others, their insecurities lie in the way they look at themselves. In this society you’re either too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, not pretty enough, no smart enough. It’s easy to feel like everything about you is just..not enough. But you ARE enough. Do not let people’s ideas of who they think you should be get in the way of how you view yourself.

Adele said “I have insecurities of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.”

Though it is good to have friends to point out where you’re wrong, “friends” that consistently and negatively point out the things you may not feel confident about are toxic and you don’t need them.

Nonetheless, for me and anyone else ruled by their insecurities, it’s time for a change.

Remind yourself that you are not your insecurities.

Remind yourself that though it is better to be safe than sorry, don’t block yourself from the people who truly care about you.

Remind yourself that you are entitled to your feelings.

Remind yourself that we all have insecurities and you are not alone.

Insecurities are a part of life and at some point we all struggle with them, but they don’t have to define you.

Updates.

 

Today, I cried.

For the first time in months, I let myself feel for a second and it was like everything I’ve felt for maybe the passed year came bursting through my tear ducts all at once.

Update on my life:

  1. It’s my senior year of college and I’m not graduating. Not because I couldn’t, but because i felt that it was more important to finish strong than to finish “on time”. So I decided to take an extra semester. You can imagine my parents’ disapproval but hey..it is MY life. Unfortunately, my decision hasn’t shielded me from the pain of seeing a good 80% of my friends in their cap and gown pictures and it sucks.
  2. It’s been a losing fight for me between me and my depression. It feels like after one wave passes and I catch my breath, another one comes and knocks me right down. I haven’t complained because everyone’s going through their own shit and I try not to be down for long.

I honestly could go on and on about the tragedy called my life lol but I don’t think that’s the point of this post. I suppose I’m only writing for the sake of writing today.

As per usual, I have to dust myself off and keep going. So from here on out you might as well follow me on my journey.

The ups, the downs, the tears, and the smiles.

Trying to figure out how to be happy, despite the world coming down on me.

The Follow Through

I think a lot of us have goals, dreams, and aspirations. A lot of us have thought about where we wanna be in life. If you’re anything like me you might find yourself daydreaming about a reality that may never come because as much of a planner you may be, your follow through, well…sucks.

I think I might be an “Ima do” person. (Ima= I will…lol)

Ima do this, Ima do that. Always what I’m going to do, never what I’ve done.

So how does one start to follow through?

  1. Set realistic goals: Be real with yourself. You can do great things but if you don’t have the tools or even the know how, whats the actual likelihood of accomplishing any of these pipe dreams?
  2. Stop talking about it: We “Ima Do” folk love to broadcast our plans to the public before we even get the ball rolling. It’s kind of embarrassing when someone asks us later on what happened with a certain project and all we can say is that it simply “fell through”. Move in silence. Let your accomplishments speak for themselves.
  3. Stay committed: Many times I give up right when things start to get hard with the false belief that if it’s too hard, it’s not meant to happen. The best things are worth fighting for.
  4. Don’t be afraid to fail: Not everything you set out to do will lead to a fountain of success. Sometimes it just doesn’t work and that’s okay. Now you know what not to do.
  5. Follow through: Finish. Whatever you start, just see it through to the end. You’ll be a better person for it…so I’ve heard.

 

Not saying you’ll get it right every time. We’re all “Ima Do” people at some point but let that be the one thing you don’t follow through on.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.