i love me, i love me not.

“He could’ve done better.”

Words from the sisters of my significant other that rung like church bells in my ears.

“He could’ve done better.”

And just like that, I went from a confident self-assured 21 year old woman back to a self-loathing teenager who didn’t know what it meant to love herself.

I’ve been dealing with these negative feelings for a few days now, unsure of how to mentally grow up and out of such a funk.

Until today.

It wasn’t that he said that I was beautiful, it was that he said I was beautiful long before he or anyone said I was.

It was in that moment that I realized how my confidence and self-worth often piggy-backed on the words of other people. So long as my twitter fans loved me, I was beautiful. As long as I racked in Instagram likes, I could go on feeling myself. So long as my opinion of myself depended on the validation of other people, I would never be happy.

I’ve spent years saying that I loved myself; how I looked, how I spoke, how I carried myself and now it seems as if I was convincing myself of something I didn’t really believe.

My whole idea of what it means to love myself is shattered, but for the better.

I realize that I will never be able to accept the love I deserve if I don’t 1. love myself first and 2. remind myself that I am worth loving.

Here’s to the man who loves me even when I don’t know how to love myself.

Here’s to me learning to love myself.

May the journey continue for me and for you.

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
 – Buddha

 

BTW: Today’s featured picture was done by me and the model is a good friend of mine 🙂

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s